Confessions of a Wild College Life and Risky Choices
[M, 18 y.o.] alright, so i have to get these off my chest. i don't know how i feel about either of the things ive done and have been doing with myself, since neither are inherently "wrong" or destructive. if you know what i mean...ok so first one. here goes. i had sexual relations with my brother. five or six times over two years. he was around 10 or 11 and i was 13 or 14. it started the first time when we had built a fort in our living room and had decided to "camp out" for the night. nothing intentionally happened, but i for some reason got horny. and didn't know what to do about it. i think i brought up sex and stuff, don't really remember how i took the first step, but essentially, by the end of a conversation, i had a boner and was showing him, i thought of it and justified it like education. i guess....? either way, it escalated and we ended up touching each others dicks and... sorry i can't believe im putting this into words. holy fuck.....anyway. he was interested and throughout the whole experience i kept asking him if he felt weird at all or wanted to stop. im sure he did but never mentioned it. we kind of played swords that night and i never came. but a couple weeks later, and a few times throughout the next two years, we would start by wrestling and actually being mad. then it would turn sexual. and we'd just jack each other off until we both came. I finally came to my senses when i was about 15. i pulled him aside one day and told him that what we had been doing was beyond wrong. i made sure to tell him that it wasn't the gay part, but the incest. and not that he was going to be fucked up or mentally challenged because of it, but that it could NEVER get out, for his sake and mine. society wouldn't have it. i made sure he understood that it was something special, private and that he shouldn't feel pressured to do anything he doesn't want to ever in life. i felt so fucking terrible. serious self loathing here....i also inquired as to his sexuality. he said he was straight and to this day he's never shown any interest in guys. i told him there was nothing wrong with it, just do what you want. i was most terrified that i'd caused some mental harm because all those pyschologists always say children are affected heavily by young sexual activity. but he's actually about as normal as normal can be. we get along great, party together, occaisionally enjoy a bowl together and even discuss the hottest girls in our school system. we're 16 and 18 now. im almost 19. i always wondered since we started if he would turn gay, i don't know what he thinks about these happenings seeing as we haven't mentioned it since the last time. and btw im straight (so far)...this brings me to my next confession. i don't know if this is considered "bad" or just something that exists. but i hate the concept of relationships so i pretty much fuck girls (its easy to get it in for me...) and leave it at friends with benefits, primarily because ive never seen a relationship (or experienced one) that was successful. i feel like im using them.... they scare the living shit out of me, because i might forget their (the SO's) birthday, or accidentally be too flirty with another girl and piss em off. all i ever see relationships cause is drama or rip the couple away from all their other friends. i understand some people find that one person, i get it. but i don't see how people can date someone they know they'd never marry. just recently i had an incident: this girl and I, lets call her Zeeney, have liked eachother for a while. still do as a matter of fact. anyway we hang out pretty much every day. we're in college and at a small one at that. so its easy to meet up. we share the same friends too...which doesn't help. anyway we fucked a couple times, and then i hear she's getting annoyed with some of the other girls in our group, because im talking to them too much and not enough to her, she assumes im hers or some shit idk girls are nuts (btw, any girls that could explain that phenomenon would be appreciated) it doesn't help that a mutual girlfriend and i had a fling too (and we only just got over the awkwardness) ...see my problem?...so i tell her "hey, Zeeney, not to be rude but i can't stand relationships. im sorry, we can continue this "benefits" thing if you like, but i don't want any obligations or responsibilities regarding us as a unit, especially when it could compromise other friendships we have." She understands and says its fine. im proud she had the maturity to handle this. we havent fucked since, seeing as its only been two days since our convo. but i just have this pattern of fucking women, because its too damn easy if i want one. like, this other girl (amazingly in the same friend group) was practically begging me to fuck her earlier this year, and i said no because i don't enjoy being handed a fuck. i like having to try and convince the girl to let me in. its such an accomplishment to see her orgasm. fuck. i digress. the point is, i feel like a man-whore, which i guess i am. definitely was in highschool...and i feel bad about it. because girls always want a relationship. for the most part anyway (ive had one exception). any advice would be appreciated on both of my topics...i feel like a messed up person...these are only two of many confessions i'd like to post. but that'd be hogging r/confession, and i appreciate all your stories :D