The Year I Tried to Be Enough 2
Chapter 2: The List The next few days felt different, even if nothing had really changed. Lily still arrived early. She still sat by the window, the same sunlight stretching across her desk every morning while the classroom slowly filled with noise. The routine stayed exactly the same, predictable and familiar. But now there was something new woven into it, something she couldn’t ignore no matter how hard she tried. Elie. It started with small things. The sound of a chair moving behind her. A quiet “pahingi ulit notes” that was starting to sound like a habit. The way Elie leaned forward sometimes, just enough for Lily to notice her presence without even turning around. They weren’t close. Not really. But they weren’t strangers anymore either. And somehow, that in-between felt heavier than it should. Lily tried not to overthink it. She told herself it was normal. A new classmate, a few interactions, nothing more. It would pass. Everything always did. But it didn’t. One afternoon, she was eating lunch with her friends when Elie passed by with a group from another section. She wasn’t doing anything special. Just talking, laughing, completely at ease like she always was. Still, Lily noticed. She noticed how easily Elie fit in. How people naturally gravitated toward her. How her laugh sounded genuine, not forced, not practiced. “Uy.” Lily blinked when someone nudged her. Her friend leaned closer, following her gaze. “Kanina ka pa nakatingin.” Lily immediately looked down at her tray. “Hindi ah.” “Sure?” another one added, smirking. “Parang hindi.” “Wala lang,” Lily said, trying to sound casual. But her friends weren’t convinced. “Crush mo ba?” The question came lightly, almost like a joke, but it lingered longer than it should have. Lily paused. She could have denied it. Could have laughed it off like it meant nothing. Instead, she just shrugged. “Hindi ko alam.” And that was the most honest answer she had. Because what she felt wasn’t loud or obvious. It wasn’t the kind of crush her friends talked about, the kind that came with excitement and obvious signs. It was quieter. Slower. Something that built up without her realizing it. That night, Lily sat on her bed with her notebook open. She wasn’t studying. For a long time, she just stared at the blank page, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. Then, slowly, she picked up her pen and wrote. “Be more noticeable.” She stared at the words for a moment before adding another line. “Talk to her more.” Then another. “Fix yourself.” She stopped. The last one didn’t feel right, but she didn’t erase it. Instead, she leaned back against the wall, staring at the ceiling while the quiet of her room settled around her. Lily had never been the type to change for someone. At least, that’s what she always believed. But something about Elie made her want to try. Not in a drastic way. Not enough to become a completely different person. Just small things. Subtle changes. Enough to be seen. The next morning, she woke up earlier than usual. She stood in front of her closet longer than she ever had before. Most of her clothes looked the same to her, simple and safe, but for the first time, she hesitated before choosing what to wear. When she finally did, it felt like a decision that mattered more than it should. At school, everything looked the same. Same classroom. Same noise. Same seat by the window. But Lily wasn’t. She was more aware of herself. Of how she spoke, how she reacted, how she carried herself around others. She found herself thinking twice before saying anything, wondering if it sounded right. At some point during class, she felt a light tap on her chair. “Lily.” She turned slightly. “Hmm?” “May extra ballpen ka ba?” Elie asked. Lily nodded quickly and reached into her bag. “Meron.” She handed one over. “Thank you,” Elie said with a small smile before turning back to her notes. It was nothing. A simple interaction. Something that wouldn’t have mattered before. But now, Lily found herself holding onto it longer than she should. Later that day, something shifted. Not in a way that anyone else would notice, but for Lily, it felt different. They talked. Not just about notes or schoolwork, but actual conversation. Random things. Small jokes. Questions that led to longer answers than expected. It wasn’t smooth. Lily still hesitated sometimes, still overthought her words. But Elie didn’t seem bothered by it. If anything, she stayed. And that was enough. That night, Lily opened her notebook again. She looked at the list she had written. Then, after a moment, she added another line. “Make her stay.” She stared at it for a while before closing the notebook. Deep down, she knew this wasn’t as simple as she wanted it to be. And once you started wanting something like that, it rarely stayed simple.