The Year I Tried to Be Enough 4
Chapter 4: The Almost By the time people started noticing them, Lily was already too deep in it. It wasn’t official. There was no label, no clear line that said something had changed. But it showed in small ways. The way Elie would automatically sit beside her even when there were other empty seats. The way they shared food without asking. The way conversations between them stretched longer than necessary, like neither of them wanted to end it first. “Uy,” one of Lily’s friends whispered one afternoon, nudging her lightly. “Ano na kayo?” Lily frowned. “Wala.” “Wala?” the friend repeated, clearly not convinced. “Parang hindi naman ‘wala.’” Lily didn’t answer. She just looked down at her notebook, pretending to focus on something important. Because the truth was, she didn’t know. And that was the problem. Later that day, they stayed in the classroom after dismissal. Most of their classmates had already left, leaving behind the quiet hum of electric fans and the occasional noise from the hallway. Elie was sitting on top of her desk, legs swinging slightly, while Lily flipped through her notes. “Grabe,” Elie muttered. “Ang dami nito. Paano mo ‘to ginagawa?” “Ginagawa lang,” Lily replied, not looking up. “Hindi, seryoso.” Elie leaned closer, peeking at the page. “Parang ang organized mo lagi.” Lily shrugged. “Sanay lang.” There was a pause. Then Elie spoke again, softer this time. “Buti ka pa.” Lily looked up. Something about the way Elie said it felt different. “Bakit?” Elie hesitated for a second, then shook her head slightly. “Wala lang.” Lily didn’t push. She was starting to learn that Elie had moments like that. Moments where she almost said something more, then stopped herself before it could turn into something real. And for some reason, Lily always felt like she was standing right at the edge of it. Close, but never fully there. They continued working, the silence between them not uncomfortable, just quiet. At some point, Elie reached over and took Lily’s pen without asking. “Uy,” Lily said, glancing at her. “Hiram lang,” Elie replied, smiling. It was such a normal thing. But Lily noticed how close they were. Too close. Close enough for Lily to notice the small details. The way Elie’s hair fell slightly over her face. The way her expression softened when she was focused. The way her shoulder brushed lightly against Lily’s arm without either of them moving away. Lily stayed still. She didn’t trust herself to move. For a moment, everything felt suspended. Then Elie leaned back, breaking the space between them like nothing had happened. “Done na ako,” she said casually. Just like that. Lily blinked, trying to steady herself. “Ang bilis.” “Copy paste lang,” Elie joked. Lily laughed, but it felt a little off. Not because of what Elie said. But because of what almost happened. On the way home, they walked together again. It had become normal at that point. They didn’t have to ask anymore. “Alam mo,” Elie said suddenly, kicking a small stone on the ground as they walked, “ang tahimik mo pa rin minsan.” Lily smiled slightly. “Sanay ka na dapat.” “Sanay na,” Elie admitted. “Pero minsan gusto ko rin malaman kung anong iniisip mo.” Lily glanced at her. “Wala lang,” she said, the same answer Elie used before. Elie laughed softly. “Ang daya.” “Bakit?” “Kasi pag ako ‘yung nagsabi ng ‘wala lang,’ hindi mo tinatanong.” Lily hesitated. She didn’t know how to explain that she did want to ask. That she always wondered. That she just didn’t know if she had the right to. So instead, she said, “Next time tatanungin ko na.” Elie looked at her for a second, like she was trying to read something. “Sure?” “Sure.” They reached the corner again. Same place. Same quiet pause. “See you tomorrow,” Elie said. “See you.” Lily watched her walk away before turning in the opposite direction. It had become a routine. But routines had a way of making things feel permanent, even when they weren’t. That night, Lily didn’t open her notebook right away. She sat on her bed, staring at nothing in particular, replaying the day in her head. Not the whole thing. Just certain moments. The way they sat close. The way Elie almost said something. The way everything felt like it was leading somewhere… but never quite getting there. When she finally opened her notebook, her eyes went straight to the list. “Be more noticeable.” “Talk to her more.” “Make her stay.” She stared at the last line the longest. Because the more time she spent with Elie, the more she started to understand something she didn’t want to admit. You could do everything right. You could get closer, talk more, be there in all the ways that mattered. And still, not know where you stood. Lily closed the notebook slowly. For the first time since she wrote that list, she wondered if there was something missing from it. Not something she needed to do. But something she needed to ask. Because no matter how close they were getting, there was still a space between them. And no matter how hard she tried, she didn’t know how to cross it.