The Year I Tried to Be Enough 5
Chapter 5: The Things She Started to Notice It didn’t feel different at first. Everything still looked the same. The classroom, the routine, the way the days passed without anything clearly changing. Lily still sat by the window. Elie still sat beside her whenever she could. They still talked, still laughed at the same small things, still walked part of the way home together when their schedules matched. From the outside, nothing was wrong. But Lily started noticing things she hadn’t paid attention to before. Not because they were new. But because she was. It began with something simple. One afternoon, while Lily was copying notes, she heard Elie laughing from a few seats away. She had moved to talk to a group of classmates, leaning casually against someone’s desk like she had always been part of that space. Lily didn’t turn around immediately. She kept writing, letting the sound of their conversation drift toward her without meaning to listen. “Elie, sama ka mamaya?” someone asked. “San?” Elie replied. “Canteen after class.” There was a short pause. “Sige,” Elie said. Her tone was easy. Natural. Like saying yes didn’t require any thought. Lily’s pen slowed down for a second before continuing. It wasn’t a big deal. There was no reason for it to be. Elie had other friends. Of course she did. She wasn’t the kind of person who stayed in one place, with one person. She moved easily between conversations, between groups, between moments. That was part of who she was. Lily knew that. She reminded herself of it more than once. After class, Lily packed her things the same way she always did. Not rushed, not slow, just enough to give herself time. Usually, Elie would come over by then. Lean against her desk, say something random, ask where she was going. This time, she didn’t. She stayed where she was, still talking to the same group. Lily glanced once, just once, then looked away. She adjusted the strap of her bag and stood up. “Mauna na ako,” she said softly, though she wasn’t sure if Elie heard her. No one stopped her. The walk home felt longer that day. Not because anything had changed physically, but because something felt… off. Not wrong, just unfamiliar. Like she had expected something without realizing it. That night, Lily sat on her bed with her notebook open, but she didn’t write anything right away. Her eyes moved over the list she had made days ago. “Be more noticeable.” “Talk to her more.” “Fix yourself.” “Make her stay.” She read each line slowly. Before, the list felt like something she could work on. Something clear. Something she could control if she tried hard enough. Now, it didn’t feel the same. She closed the notebook without adding anything. The next day, everything seemed to return to how it was. Elie sat beside her again. Borrowed her pen. Asked about the lesson. Made small comments that made Lily smile without thinking. It was easy to fall back into that rhythm. Too easy. “Lily.” She turned slightly. “May ginawa ka kahapon?” Elie asked. “Wala,” Lily answered. “Ah. Sumama ako sa kanila,” Elie said, referring to the group from the day before. “Okay naman.” Lily nodded. “Mukha nga.” Elie looked at her for a moment, like she was trying to read something. “Okay ka lang?” “Hmm?” Lily blinked. “Oo naman.” There was a small pause, then Elie nodded, accepting the answer. “Good.” And just like that, the conversation moved on. It was simple. But something about it stayed with Lily longer than it should have. Because even as things went back to normal, she couldn’t stop noticing. The way Elie talked to other people the same way she talked to her. The way she laughed, leaned in, stayed present, then moved on just as easily. There was nothing fake about it. If anything, that made it harder. Because it meant that what Lily felt wasn’t something Elie was creating intentionally. It just… happened. And it didn’t only happen with her. One afternoon, they were sitting outside near the court, waiting for the next class. Elie was scrolling through her phone, then suddenly turned the screen toward Lily. “Tingnan mo.” Lily leaned closer. It was a photo. Elie with a group of people, arms around each other, all smiling at the camera. “You look happy,” Lily said. Elie smiled slightly. “Masaya naman.” There was nothing more to it. No hidden meaning. No deeper explanation. But Lily found herself looking at the photo a little longer than necessary. Not because of how Elie looked. But because she wasn’t in it. She leaned back, letting the moment pass without saying anything else. Elie continued talking, pointing out something in the picture, laughing softly at a detail Lily didn’t fully understand. Lily listened. She nodded when she needed to. But her thoughts stayed somewhere else. Somewhere quieter. Because for the first time, she started to understand something she hadn’t fully admitted before. It wasn’t just about being noticed anymore. Somewhere along the way, it had become something else. Something that didn’t fit in a list. That night, Lily opened her notebook again. She looked at the last line. “Make her stay.” This time, she didn’t hesitate. She drew a single line through it. Not enough to erase it. Just enough to change how it looked. She closed the notebook after that, resting her hand on top of it for a moment. Because even if she didn’t say it out loud, she knew. Some things couldn’t be controlled. And no matter how careful she tried to be, she was already starting to feel something she wasn’t sure she could undo.